Accountability with Grace or Control? Leveraging Conversational Intelligence to Influence without Power
My boss berated me in front of the whole team about a tactical operation every-day-type function that went terribly sideways. In this team session, he digs into every last detail with enthusiasm for drilling down to discover these new facts for himself. This so-called team meeting was no longer a postmortem review of a successful project that we just got over the finish line; it’s about me. All eyes on me. I found myself not able to think clearly or find my words. I have never felt so embarrassed. This interrogation could have been taken offline, but it was not –-and then the meeting just ended with no time left. Was his approach about accountability or control and/or even a power play? It’s clear he was not happy with how this poorly handled operational issue played out.
Well, I disengaged immediately for the rest of the day, if not the next day. I do hold myself and my team accountable and we worked hard to mitigate and restore operations. I know we can do better; however, I lost all trust for my boss and how he treated me. There was no two-way dialogue, just questioning with judgment. There was no curiosity on his part for what was out of my control or action I had facilitated to hold most of it together. He thinks I am incompetent and now the whole team of my peers does too!
Leaders and managers have choices to make in the conversational exchange, especially as our adrenaline increases because of anxiety around disagreement, frustration, or for any underperformance concerns. Remember your energy is contagious whether its positive or negative energy; it will have radiating influence on others, especially as a leader. There is no need to leverage positional power in most situations. The key is to bring yourself to a conscious level of awareness, in your moment of frustration, and look around you to ground yourself. Next ask yourself—“How do I want to engage to get the best out of this person and allow them to flourish?” This is how you apply grace in those moments of frustration. And don’t forget to breathe deeply to rest your nervous system.
In the above example, “Intent verses Impact” is a key mental mind frame reference. I am sure the leader’s intent was not to make the employee feel interrogated in front of his peers, but to problem solve and get to the root cause of the issue. However, it did not come across that way—the impact was very different. And humans will create their own narratives about the impact in that crucial moment, often more grim than reality.
The Brain on Fear: Why Dialogue Breaks Down
Fear and anxiety rewires our brains when triggered, the brain’s threat detection center—the amygdala—activates. This surge in activity hijacks the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for rational thought, problem-solving, and effective communication (Glaser, 2009).
This neurological shift explains why, during high-stress periods, even simple workplace interactions can quickly deteriorate into misunderstandings, defensiveness, or complete communication breakdowns. Under fear’s grip, people retreat, become hyper-vigilant, and interpret conversations through a lens of threat and suspicion.
How Fear Disrupts Conversations
The need to control is pervasive human dynamic we all have that allows us to feel more secure and powerful. It is also addictive, but in reality, it is actually an illusion. It is not rational to think we be in control at all times. If you lead with control and positional power and it goes unchecked fear seeps into team communication in several damaging ways:
- Increased Self-Protective Behavior: People prioritize safeguarding their position over collaborating with others, leading to siloed thinking and reduced transparency.
- Rumor Mills and Misinformation: In the absence of clear communication, employees fill gaps with speculation, amplifying uncertainty and mistrust (Sills, 2009).
- Erosion of Collegiality: Fear can breed competition over cooperation, fueling backstabbing, blame-shifting, and the collapse of teamwork.
- Paralysis or Over-Compliance: Some employees become so concerned they disengage. Fear seeps in and then they make mistakes and they stop offering ideas altogether, waiting passively for directives.
These effects create a vicious cycle: fear diminishes communication, and poor communication increases fear.
The Power of Open Dialogue During Crisis
Breaking this cycle starts with leaders setting the tone with intentional, transparent, and non- judgmental, empathetic conversations. Research in Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) shows that open dialogue re-engages the prefrontal cortex, calms the amygdala, and rebuilds trust between leaders and teams (Glaser, 2009).
Open conversations with two-way dialogue signals safety. It send the message, “You’re not alone,” and, more crucially, “You’re seen and heard.” Leaders who initiate honest, two-way conversations during a crisis maintain cohesion and transform fear into focused, collective action. There is a saying, “You have to weigh-in to buy-in.” is solid advice to follow.
Strategies for Applying Conversational Intelligence to Manage Fear
Applying Conversational Intelligence allows everyone to operate out of a different part of our brain, our prefrontal cortex, not our amygdala. It is here we release fear and become able to focus on productive future-oriented results and now have the ability to apply critical thinking. Here’s how to apply some key strategies:
Create Safe Spaces for Dialogue
Set regular opportunities for teams to share concerns without fear of retribution. Start meetings by inviting open, judgment-free reflections on current challenges.
Lead with Curiosity, Not Certainty
Instead of dictating solutions, ask open-ended questions like, “What worries you the most right now?” or “What ideas do you have to help us move forward?” Curiosity disarms fear and reopens cognitive flexibility.
Normalize Vulnerability
Acknowledge your own uncertainties as a leader. Modeling vulnerability shows that uncertainty is human—and survivable—which increases team trust and cohesion.
Focus on Shared Goals
Redirect conversations toward shared objectives and mutual success. Emphasize “we” language over “I” language to reinforce collaboration over competition.
Practice Small Acts of Recognition
Publicly recognizing contributions, even small ones, turns down fear-driven self-criticism and shifts the brain’s attention toward positive engagement (Glaser, 2009).
Conclusion
There is no such thing as zero conflict. And it is true productive conflict renders progress. Workplace challenges are real and fear may be inevitable during times of challenge or change, but how organizations communicate in response to that fear makes all the difference. Through Conversational Intelligence, leaders can restore trust, focus energy, and transform anxiety into a catalyst for collective growth.
At GrowthFuel, we equip leaders and teams with brain-based, scalable conversational strategies to elevate their conversational competence –fueling their next level of greatness. We help leaders and managers create humanizing conditions that allow others to flourish!
References
Sills, J. (2009, July/August). Working through fear. Psychology Today.
Glaser, J. E. (2009). Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization. Adams Media.
