Samantha Tassone, GrowthFuel President. Brain-based Leadership, Influence and Communication Coach.
Read Article: Published on Forbes.com
Ever posed a question and realized you failed to uncover needed details? Like you’re at a dead end, and it didn’t lead to better understanding?
Not all questions are created equal. We make choices every day, consciously or unconsciously, about how we engage with others. Asking questions is a required part of a dialogue exchange—or it’s just information sharing. In the end, whether you added value to the exchange and the relationship or not, your impact was binary—positive or negative.
Ninety percent of interactions miss their intended mark and end up with misunderstanding and misalignment. This is where insightful, smart questions can get us to the next level of conversational competence. There is more to learn about the art of productive dialogue for understanding and connection.
Unconsciously, we have all stepped into a situation in which we already intuitively believed we knew where it was going, then asked a question that was really just a reflection of what we were thinking at the moment. In reality, our approach showed up outwardly as judgment upon the person or situation. We misstepped and used a negative, sharp and/or demeaning tone, applying little care for the relationship. At some level, it probably did feel good to be heard and demand attention, giving us clear air space to push out a personal agenda or concern.
For example: “Why did you think the client would agree to that!?” When you go back and examine your question approach—words chosen, tone, level of empathy—and find little to no curiosity, it would be clear that you did not add value to the situation at hand. The outward impact you had was showing your annoyance, frustration, that you were emotionally triggered, or even being defensive. Did it come off as an interrogation?
Influence Without Power: True Connection And Thoughtful Answers
Having influence and being a strong, influential leader is all about asking insightful, smart questions that build the capacity to stretch yourself and others while learning together. This framework can help you develop other leaders in real time.
Yes, it is true there are leaders out there who don’t ask enough questions; therefore, they by default must believe they are the smartest person in the room. They may also think they have the knowledge and lived experience to know better. However, they don’t understand how to be humble and authentic, nor how to extend questions for which they have no answer.
Being truly curious and releasing judgment is hard work. It is not about the volume of questions you spin off; instead, it’s about quality and how you frame the question to enhance the quality of ideas exchanged. Smart, insightful questions direct the dialogue, frame it and are more important than having the right answer.
Smart, insightful questions can help those involved gain new insights and points of view, and reveal new choices and options—all of which are common blind spots. The surprising power of these types of questions can help everyone expand thinking, ignite innovative and creative energy and bring specks of clarity for new possible options to examine further. The real power is when a new path is opened into the future and framed around agility versus traditional questions, which aim to reduce ambiguity, contain the issue and minimize risk.
Traditional Questions Have A Different Aim And Purpose
We are all pros at asking traditional questions, as Harvard Business Review points out, most of a leader’s time is spent asking for information and requesting status updates, such as, “Why did you offer a discounted rate beyond protocol?” or “What is the project status today?”
If most of your time is spent focused on meetings, phone calls, emails and face-to-face dialogue, then examine how you’re adding value in that moment. Is there an alternative way to gather information? Choosing to focus too much on information gathering is a missed opportunity to unlock value and learning in an exchange with a true connection.
The HBR article shares behavioral research from 1970: “One of the main human-centered purposes for engaging at all in dialogue, other than information exchange, was for the core goal of being liked.” They call it impression management, and their research indicates that a person’s advanced competency level in asking questions can achieve their desire to be liked with a true connection. What the research is really saying is that you can build trust, credits and bonds with others by asking insightful, smart questions. As those authors indicate, it is best to end your sentences not with a period, but with a question mark.
Your communication impact should also include how you listen, which is at the heart of every interaction, moment to moment. To be a great questioner, you must hold a specific mindset for questioning and listening—one that understands the shift from I to we. This means letting go of your personal wants, needs and assumptions in the moment. True connection in dialogue creates safety.
Final Thoughts
Consider how to frame your questions. When you realize there is a significant link between questions of inquiry that are smart, disciplined and thoughtfully offered based on true curiosity, you create an opportunity for everyone involved to learn. Learning when to ask questions for which you have no answers, no assumptions, or no agenda, this framework can disarm the other person.
Prepare with these good disciplines:
• Have a set of standard, insightful, smart “go-to” questions in your toolbox. For example: “What assumptions were made?” or “What don’t we know that we need to know?”
• Brainstorming questions in advance of a dialogue into areas that need more context and understanding is a smart approach.
• “Tell me more.” is a great follow-up.
Are you ready to turn off your judgment and turn on your coaching and learning mindset?
Source: Forbes.com
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